hills & valleys

For months, my mind felt less like a place to do my thinking and more like a battlefield. Every time I wasn't distracted by work or friends or binging shows on netflix, I would end up feeling completely and utterly lost. Ever since I was a teenager I've had these moments that have always haunted me a little. I wake up in the morning, with that feeling of peace and calm but then before I've even opened my eyes, this existential dread just slams into me. What am I doing here? It always questions me. The kind of questions that I have no earthly clue how to answer. The kind of questions that terrorize my mind and leave me feeling entirely misplaced. Why am I here? I try to talk myself through it, rationalize whatever it is that I've been doing, whatever stage of life I happen to be in. It never feels like enough, it never feels like a good enough answer. I never seem to have the right answer; the answer my mind is looking for. What am I doing here? A few w

2018 has been a year of incredible growth in my life. I am proud of how far I have come, but I also know that I cannot take the credit for how far I have come. The credit goes to God, and God alone. For I would not have had the strength, determination, or the peace of mind that I did without Him.  Here are some lessons 2018 taught me: - It's okay if you feel like a mess sometimes. Sometime's we're all a bit of a mess and that doesn't make you any less worthy, any less loved, or any less valuable. You are loved even in your mess. Show yourself grace. - Some people will come into your life and walk all over you if you let them. Don't let them.  - I am not as strong or as "good" as I thought I was. My strength comes only from the Lord, none of it is mine. On my own I am completely and utterly weak. I am fully dependent upon God for my strength. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - Having a fulfilling life is not a destination, it is a life-long j

[sidenote: I have switched to a new blogging platform if you're wondering why things look so different] I'm about to get real with all of you. Over the past few years as I've struggled with illness and depression, identity crisis, and a million other issues of life – I've learned that the best way to heal is to be vulnerable. I have tried to be vulnerable throughout my healing process from depression and illness but there is one thing that I have yet to get vulnerable about. Today is the day that I'm going to take that leap. This has been a long time coming and this topic is one that God has placed heavily on my heart over the past few months. I have spent hours upon hours with God struggling through this issue, this thing that needs to be resolved. And we are not yet there, but I'm working each day to conquer the weight of these chains. I n s e c u r i t y : uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence. Insecurity looms over all of

So very often in life we feel the need as followers of Christ to do more. To be more. We often feel that we need to serve more within our churches, or that we should read our bibles more, do more volunteering, spend more time in prayer, or even that we just need to be better, to do better. While all of these things we shame ourselves for not doing “enough” of are often good things, they do not define who we are in Christ and they don’t reflect our worth in Christ. When we think this way we quickly become self-focused rather than Christ-focused and grace-focused. When we live this way, we are living out of our own strength rather than living in God’s perfect strength. When we live this way, we aren’t living in the truth and freedom that Christ died for us to live in. You do not need to be more. You do not need to do more. What you do need, is to quiet down before The Lord – before you get upset with me for telling you what you need, let me just say that this is what we  all need. To

*July 27, 2018 How did I end up here? This question has been running through my mind for the last couple of days. I know the technical answer to this question. I quit my job quite spontaneously, bummed around town for a few days soaking up the summer sun at my aunt’s pool, I had an interview for a position at a camp I’ve never been to before, was offered a position, and moved to camp two days later. And now I’m wondering:  how did I end up here? If you would have asked me just three weeks ago what I’d be doing this summer, “working at camp” wouldn’t have been even close to my response. It would have been more like, “Oh, I’m just working all summer and trying to save money.” But little did I know, God had another plan, as he often does. Which brings me back to my question..   How did I end up here? As I sit here, sitting in my suitcase, in my over air-conditioned trailer room that I share with three other girls, I don’t have a concrete answer to my question. What I do know is