There Is Freedom

*July 27, 2018

How did I end up here?

This question has been running through my mind for the last couple of days. I know the technical answer to this question. I quit my job quite spontaneously, bummed around town for a few days soaking up the summer sun at my aunt’s pool, I had an interview for a position at a camp I’ve never been to before, was offered a position, and moved to camp two days later. And now I’m wondering: how did I end up here?

If you would have asked me just three weeks ago what I’d be doing this summer, “working at camp” wouldn’t have been even close to my response. It would have been more like, “Oh, I’m just working all summer and trying to save money.” But little did I know, God had another plan, as he often does.

Which brings me back to my question.. How did I end up here?

As I sit here, sitting in my suitcase, in my over air-conditioned trailer room that I share with three other girls, I don’t have a concrete answer to my question. What I do know is that the moment I decided in my mind to quit my job, I was forwarded an email from this camp that stated they were in need of staff immediately. Literally within one minute of my decision to quit, I received this email. And for whatever reason, it felt right to go. But since getting here, my realistic side has questioned my decision. I am a big over-thinker and I often work myself up thinking about what would have happened if I had made a different choice. Much too often I allow anxiety to overtake my mind and drag me down into the darkness. Today as I finished up my work in the kitchen, I came back to my bunk and began to freak out, but then I stopped myself. I forced myself out of my bunk, grabbed a sweatshirt, my bible, and my journal and head toward the water. I knew that if I stayed in my bunk I would just end up throwing a pity party for myself and that is not how I’m planning on spending my summer.

I sat at the beautiful waterfront and I began to pray. Something I have tried to make a habit of is thanking God before I come to him with my worries and requests. I learned this from Philippians 4:6-7, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I think that when we have a relationship with God it’s so important to express our gratitude, even when we aren’t feeling very thankful for our situation at that moment. A relationship is give and take, and although the God of the Universe clearly has much more to give than I do, He deserves my endless praise and gratitude. And He delights when we come to Him in worship especially when we are feeling troubled. The greatest lessons I have learned have been learned in trying times. Even when I’m feeling stressed and confused, I try to come before the Lord with a grateful heart. So as I stared out at the setting sun reflecting its colours onto the water, I thanked God for bringing me here. Even though I didn’t understand why I was here. Even though I felt alone here, felt like I didn’t fit it, didn’t belong. I thanked Him, because I know that my God always has a plan.

I think that sometimes we need to be stretched in ways that make us extremely uncomfortable in order to grow in maturity as Christians and in order to strengthen our faith. It can be frightening and lonely, but I’m learning that it’s during these times of vulnerability when we come to know God on a deeper level. When we can turn to God through the confusion and fear and place our trust fully in Him, we experience Him in a new way.

Seasons of transition can be really lonely. It’s in these times that the enemy pounces and attacks our hearts and minds. When the enemy knows we are feeling unstable and anxious, He will do everything in his power to drag you down and keep you away from God. For me, the enemy does this by bringing all my insecurities to the surface. Whenever I dwell on my insecurities, it ends in shame. Shame is one of the worst feelings a person can experience. To feel shame is to feel unacceptable. Shame makes us feel as though we are not enough, will never be enough, and that we have no hope in ever changing. It brings up feelings of rejection and feeling like you don’t belong. Whenever I find myself caught in the chains of insecurity and shame, I draw inward. When I feel like I am not enough, it can be extremely hard to come before a holy God. Think about it, when you were a child and you did something that you knew your parents would disapprove of, would you walk right up to them and tell them what you did? Of course not. It’s the same way we act with God when we feel ashamed of our behavior or of ourselves in general. We hide. We draw inward. And the enemy loves it. This is how the enemy tries to win the battle of insecurity. He convinces us we are not enough – not pretty enough, not funny enough, not outgoing enough, not well-spoken enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, and a million other “not enoughs”.

But here’s the thing – the enemy  is a deceiver. In John 8:44, Jesus describes the enemy by saying, “…He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies.” Jesus himself tells us that the enemy is a liar. The enemy loves nothing more than to see us feeling lonely and rejected but God aches for us to know that we not alone or rejected. God desires to show us how cherished we are, how loved we are, and how ENOUGH we are.

You are enough. You aren’t enough because the guy or girl you think is cute likes you back. You aren’t enough because you lost ten pounds. You aren’t enough because you can make people laugh. You aren’t enough because you earned your way to becoming enough. You are simply enough because you are you. You are enough because the almighty creator of this entire universe loves you and has deemed you worthy.

This is what I am choosing to remember as I ask myself, “How did I end up here?” Because when we spend our precious time and energy belittling ourselves, we’re going to miss out on what God has in store. How will I ever find out why God brought me into this new season of life if my focus is on myself? When we choose to focus on our insecurities and our doubts, we are placing our insecurities and doubts in a place of lordship in our lives. We are giving them a place of power that they do not deserve. This is why, in the moments of questioning and wondering, we must keep our eyes focused on God. On HIS power and HIS supreme authority. We must make the daily choice to embrace who we are in Christ and live in that truth in total freedom.

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”

- 2 Corinthians 3:17