The Seed Within

For months, my mind felt less like a place to do my thinking and more like a battlefield. Every time I wasn't distracted by work or friends or binging shows on netflix, I would end up feeling completely and utterly lost. Ever since I was a teenager I've had these moments that have always haunted me a little. I wake up in the morning, with that feeling of peace and calm but then before I've even opened my eyes, this existential dread just slams into me. What am I doing here? It always questions me. The kind of questions that I have no earthly clue how to answer. The kind of questions that terrorize my mind and leave me feeling entirely misplaced. Why am I here? I try to talk myself through it, rationalize whatever it is that I've been doing, whatever stage of life I happen to be in. It never feels like enough, it never feels like a good enough answer. I never seem to have the right answer; the answer my mind is looking for.

What am I doing here?

A few weeks ago I was sitting with a lovely group of women, talking about life and the things we had been learning recently. We were at a retreat that encouraged vulnerability and growth. Two incredibly necessary things in this life if you are ever going to be a competent and mature individual. As necessary as they are, they are also painstakingly difficult and draining. Earlier in the day the idea had been discussed that a seed was planted within each of us, and the things of life had buried that seed, watered that seed, nourished that seed, and also in some cases presented obstacles for that seed. Before a seed reaches its most glorious form that it was intended to grow into, it must first split open. To be split open sounds painful, it sounds tragic and like the last thing that would bring about growth and new life. But it is this precise instant, the splitting open, that the seed begins its transformation from a simple seed to a flourishing, thriving, and lively growing thing.

All of us have these seeds inside of us. Seeds that are full of potential and promise. Seeds full of dreams, abilities, ideas, and passions. Seeds that are buried deep within us that have had years worth of soil piled upon them while they wait to see if we will let the circumstances of our lives nourish them or keep them buried underground. It takes both sunshine and darkness, rain and soil for a flower to grow. Without the dark, the seed wouldn't get the nourishment it needs from the soil and it wouldn't have a place to grow its roots into. Without the sun, it wouldn't have the energy to enter into and fuel the process of photosynthesis, which feeds it and ultimately grows it into its highest functioning form. The seed inside of you and I is just like this. The dark and isolating times of life can often feel like they're burying us – burying our seed. Too many of us admit defeat and resign ourselves to the fact that we have been buried and trampled on. We forget that the things that bury us can also be the things that nourish us and foster growth in us.

The splitting open is the most agonizing yet awe-inspiring moment. It is the moment when we finally choose to let the things that have hurt us turn into the things that spur us on. For me, this moment was one that I believe was perfectly orchestrated by a God who loves me so deeply and knows me so completely that He found a way to show me what it meant for me let go of these hurts.

As I sat with this group of women at the retreat my mind wandered off and I stared out the window, longing for the snow to melt and for spring to arrive. Dreaming of green grass and blue skies, this seemingly normal tree suddenly seemed to be standing in front of me, demanding me to notice it. I took notice and it struck me that something was different about this tree. It took me a minute to figure out that the thing that was different about this tree was that on one of its branches, a clump of orange leaves still hung on to it. Every other tree around it was totally bare, just waiting for the snow to melt, and for the sun to shine, so it could grow it's new leaves for spring. I found myself wondering why these leaves hadn't fallen off yet. In the typical fashion of an over-thinking empath I thought “Tree, why are you holding onto those leaves still? I hope you know that they're dead, and eventually, if you want to grow new and beautiful leaves, they're going to have to come off. There's no point in keeping them on any longer. They're only holding you back.”

And then the still, small voice that I adore spoke into my mess of a mind and said “Aren't you doing the same thing?”

Split.

Right down the center.

The epiphany. The sudden realization that I too was holding onto useless, lifeless, destructive things that were holding me back from becoming the person I was created to be. How had I become so complacent? How had I been so blind? The still, small voice spoke up again. “You have been so cruel to yourself. If you would show yourself even half the amount of grace you show others and even a quarter of the amount of love you give to others, you would be able to let these things go.”

The realization settled over me and I thought deeply about how I have treated myself. I realized the unbearable weight of my own expectations. Setting myself up for failure over and over again as I expected perfection from myself. The guilt I felt when I did anything morally wrong, anything sinful, anything less than perfect was crushing. Guilt is there for a reason, to make it clear to us when we have done something wrong. Living in guilt and shaming and abusing ourselves when we've already acknowledged we have done wrong and repented of it is where we find ourselves in patterns of self-destruction. It is okay to feel guilt, but it is not okay to live in it and it is not even a little it okay to abuse yourself because of the guilt that you feel.

“I shouldn't say that, everyone is going to think I'm stupid.” “Everyone already thinks I'm stupid.” “I'm not smart enough to do that.” “Oh, I could never do that, I'm too shy.” “I'm awkward and too quiet and everyone thinks I'm weird.” “I need to lose weight.” “Why did I eat that stupid piece of cake? I'm disgusting.” "I don't know who would ever want to be with me.” “Why can't I just stop sinning in this way? I guess I'm a lost cause.” “I'm never going to get over this.”

The amount of self-destructive thoughts I used to think in a day were endless. Would I ever dare in a million years to speak this way to a friend, to a stranger, to my mother, to my future daughter? There's no way in hell I would. So, why was I speaking this way to myself? Why was I okay with constantly putting myself down and assuming that I knew how everyone else saw me?

I asked God, “Why am I like this? Why do I do this? How do I stop?”

He simply replied.. “love.”

God is love. God calls us to love. He calls us to love Him, to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. Did you hear that? As we love ourselves. How are we to love our neighbors as we love ourselves if we don't even know how to love ourselves? There has come to be a twisted misconception in the Christian community about what it means to love yourself. As if it's somehow arrogant or vain. Loving yourself has nothing to do with admiring yourself, staring at yourself in the mirror, and pampering yourself. Loving yourself has everything to do with calling yourself out on your destructive behaviors and thought patterns in order to grow. Loving yourself is not shaming yourself for mistakes, but showing yourself grace; because how are we ever going to do better if we are constantly belittling ourselves? Loving yourself is taking time to be alone if that's what you need or taking time to talk with a friend who cares about you. Loving yourself is expressing your feelings somehow so you can better understand what it is that you're feeling and why you're feeling it. Loving yourself is taking care of your mind, body, and soul. Loving yourself has everything to do with humbling ourselves to the point of knowing that we need grace and mercy in this life. It is coming before God and saying, “Lord, sometimes I struggle to see anything good in myself. I am your creation and I was created in your image, so show me who you created me to be. Lord, show me how you see me. Let not my tainted and twisted view of myself distract me from seeing myself through your eyes.”

When I'm stuck in the mindset of spiraling self-deprecating thoughts, I have found that I often turn to distractions instead of facing my feelings. Netflix and napping are always going to be there for you, but I can promise you, they aren't always going to be beneficial to you. Sometimes we think numbing ourselves to our emotions is the answer because it feels as if nothing will truly heal the hurt we've been feeling or even that we will never have an answer to our questions.

Why am I here?

I am here because this is where God wants me to be. I am here because God is using the circumstances that have buried me and He is using the rain and sun that have nourished me to grow me into something even more beautiful. I am here because God designed me and knows me inside and out. He has seen even the darkest and dirtiest parts of my heart and calls me worthy and loved. I am here because I was created by a God that reflected His image in my design. I am here to grow closer to God and to know Him more deeply because in learning who God is, I learn who I am.

Why am I here?

I am here to love.